Tag Archives: intruder

Take That!

Somewhere out there is a would-be kidnapper hanging his head in shame. You had one job….kidnap an 8 year old. What happened? She kung fu-ed you into submission. Amateur. An 8 year old did the old pressure move on the neck of a man who had broken into her home and attempted to drag her downstairs. The little ninja told police she used the “the Cheetah Paw” on the intruder, a move she learnt at Kung Fu class. Meanwhile, police are looking for a man who the girl says “smelled like garbage.” So many levels of hurt.

3 Comments

Filed under That's Gotta Hurt, Well I Never, You Go Girl!

Naked Dancing Dude

Intruder found dancing naked inside houseYou know what I hate? When you come home and find some dude dancing naked in your house . I really friggin hate that, especially when he refuses to leave. When El Paso cops arrived they found the intruder still inside but he had quit dancing and was just lying on the bed starkers. Oh why, oh why didn’t they report what kind of dance he was doing, so I could get the full picture in my head? Now all I see is a naked man dancing like Ellen .

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Well I Never

Oscar Pistorius Accidentally Kills Girlfriend

Remember Oscar Pistorius, the Paralympic and Olympic athlete nicknamed the “bladerunner”,  because of his  J-shaped carbon fibre prostheses? Well, word coming out of South Africa is he has accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend in the early hours of this morning after thinking she was an intruder. It is currently being reported that it may have been a Valentine’s Day surprise that went terribly wrong. Very sad.

Update : Pistorius has been arrested for murder 😦

8 Comments

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World

No Snowflake, It Wasn’t Santa!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
An intruder was vomiting, what a damn friggin louse!
A very pissed Lester Bagwell broke into a house in Howard county then used the toilet before upchucking all over the place.Merry Christmas Allan Temby and family, I hope it wasn’t on your carpet!

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Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Gross, Whoops!

Well They Both looked The Same!

Nooooooooo

You know what I hate, when police mistake you for an intruder and you end up getting stabbed to death. I really friggin hate that. Japanese lawyer Hirotaka Tsuya died after police arrived at his home in Akita just as he was grabbing a weapon from the hands of intruder Katsu Sugawara. As police overpowered the lawyer, Sugawara plunged a knife into Tsuya’s heart. Whoopsie.

2 Comments

Filed under End Credit, Friggin Japan, Whoops!

Granny Kicks Pumpkin Head in The Balls

Noooooooooo!!!!!

If you waltz into 88 year old Kathryn Byassee’s Kentucky home without so much as a hello, expect a kick in the balls. When Ms Byassee walked into her kitchen at 5 am she was confronted by an intruder wearing a pumpkin mask. As he wrestled her into the bedroom and tried to smother her with a pillow she gave him one almighty kick in the crotch. That’s a monster mash right there! Police are now looking for a seriously embarrassed pumpkin with a limp.

3 Comments

Filed under I'm Just Saying !, Sore Loser, That's Gotta Hurt, Well I Never

That’s Using Your Feet!

Sheez, a round of applause to Amy Windom for managing to use her toes to type out an SOS on her laptop after being tied to a bed during a home invasion. The intruder, who was wearing a ski mask, ransacked her house, tied her to the bed,  then fled in her car. Windom was able to use the laptop on her bed to type out a message with her toes to her boyfriend who promptly called 911.

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Filed under Friggin Awesome, I'm Just Saying !, Well I Never, You Go Girl!

A New Menace In Darwin

Oh crap, this is not my house!

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Some naked dude at the end of your bed. An elderly man in Darwin got the shock of his life when he woke to find an intruder standing at the foot of his bed starkers. By the time police arrived the man had dressed and fled the scene. The man was unable to give police a good description of the intruder (don’t blame him)  but he did say he smelled strongly of alcohol (could be anyone in Darwin!).

2 Comments

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Scary, They Live Among Us !, Well I Never

Stop Hogging The Blankets

A Pittsburgh man who was as snug as a bug in a rug got the shock of his life when a stranger jumped into his bed. Frank Fontana originally thought the person who snuggled up next to him was a woman who had keys to his home but when a deep male voice answered back “No, it’s not.” he jumped out and grabbed a baseball bat. Evidently the intruder was drunk and cold after seeing a Jay-Z concert and wanted a place to rest his head.

4 Comments

Filed under Friggin Dumbass, They Live Among Us !, Whoops!

And He Went Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home

Ann Senior accidentally forgot to lock her door before going to bed and as luck would have it, a man waltzed into her home while she was sleeping. He went into the kitchen and stole a tub of ice cream and a tin of tuna before entering Ms Senior’s bedroom. She awoke at 12.15 am to find him at the foot of her bed with one of her bras on his head. She screamed and chased the fool out the back door with her catheter bag in  hand.  Don’t mess with middle-aged women from Townsville would-be weirdos!

7 Comments

Filed under All That Is Wrong With The World, Friggin Dumbass, Friggin Scary, I'm Just Saying !, They Live Among Us !, Well I Never, Whoops!