Sorry Sir They Don’t Exist

A man in Iowa tried to deposit a $1 million bill into his bank account.  Needless to say the bank rang the cops who asked him if he has any more million dollar bills and low and behold a baggie of meth fell from his pocket. Naw, bless. I wonder whose face he drew on the bill?

PSST  I wonder what he exchanged for the bill? He is going to be right pissed when the fog lifts!

Iowa Is Now Truly Dodge City

Iowa have just changed their gun laws to allow blind people to own and carry firearms in public. What could possibly go wrong Rutger Hauer?

Should Have Sold The Bones Separately

OK, here’s the thing man from Iowa. When selling an “oak coffin on a stand” online, don’t be including no friggin skeletal remains . Just saying. Now you got the Iowa police all over you like a cheap suit. The dude who posted the ad said the coffin  belonged to the now defunct Independent Order of Odd Fellows organization and was told the bones were donated by a doctor in the 1880s. Hmm, let the medical examiner be the judge of that.

What the Frock!

There is much confusion over the gender of an Iowa bank robber , after the image of her/him wearing a slinkly lime dress was posted on a police Facebook site. Seems many believe she is infact a he and is simply wearing the “mullet dress” (short in front, long in back) as a disguise. Awkward for the robber either way.

Three Deer Go Shopping

Rudolph, Prancer and Blitzen get back in the friggin sleigh

Three deer walk into a department store. It’s Iowa , no one notices!!!! They eventually exit, two through the automatic doors they came in through, the other snuck out the back door. No word on if they bought anything….I hear Santa is a bitch to shop for.

A Zebra and Macaw Walk Into A Bar

You know what I hate? When an intoxicated man decides to drive home from a pub with his zebra and a macaw sitting in the front seat of his truck with him. Friggin Iowa! I hope they had seat belts!

Want sauce with that?

 

Farmer 0, Raccoon 1

My job here is done!

Oh dear, Larry Godwin from Iowa didn’t just get shot once trying to shoot a raccoon in a live trap, he got leaded twice. The 68 year old was hit in the lower abdomen by a ricocheting bullet after he attempted to shoot the caged animal , then as luck would have it, as he dropped the 22 – caliber gun it fired again and hit him in the same friggin spot.

Want sauce with that?

Gramps Charged With Prostitution

My bad?

Ewh, ewh, ewh, an 83 year old from Iowa has been charged with prostitution after he offered his services to a woman in exchange for a repayment of a loan. Oh lord have mercy! Mr Dawson was arrested after he grabbed the woman and began kissing her neck. Well there goes any chance of becoming a candidate for Centerville’s city council but I bet he will be popular at the retirement village!

Man Jailed For Overdue Library Books

Damn cheek!!!

Attention people from Newton, Iowa, if you don’t return overdue library books or CD’s that’s a jailing! Don’t believe me, just ask Christopher Anspach, he got 10 days behind bars for failing to return the items he borrowed. Sheez, tough crowd those librarians!

Everyone’s A Friggin Critic

Oh dear god, locals near the Iowa/Nebraska border are still friggin bitching about the new $3 million public art installation “Odyssey” on the 24th Street interchange on Interstate Highway 29/80. Motorists are complaining the Freddy Kruger hands are  so terrifyingly distracting they are finding it hard to concentrate (yep, there has been some rear ending!), thus the nickname “Nightmare on 24th Street”.  The abstract work by renowned international sculptor Albert Paley has also been described as “Edward Scissorbridge”, “Gateway to Disaster” and a ” pile of junk”. Any thoughts …