The Bulge and the Beautiful

The “Unmissable” Ireland indeed. This is  what happens when you get the star of Fifty Shades of Grey to promote Ireland. Not a soul looking at the stunning scenery…nope, they all are staring at the bulge in  Jamie Dornan’s pants. Settle loons, apparently it was a golf ball.

Benjy The Gay Bull Saved From Becoming a Handbag

He was gay?

Holy feather duster Tinkerbell, Benjy, the gay bull from Ireland has been saved from the slaughterhouse by gay and animal rights campaigners. Poor Benjy, who was having his way with other bulls, was sent to the chopping block because he was basically useless with the female folk. Anywho, word got out about Benjy’s plight and thanks to a crowd funding campaign Benjy is now tripping the light fantastic at an animal sanctuary.

Marathon Runner 1, Bag Snatcher 0

I just need to catch my breath

Definition of Unlucky? Being chased by a marathon runner after snatching a purse from an 83 year old woman. What’s the odds? The exhausted thief was forced to throw the contents of the bag into the river after doing a few laps of the city and realizing he was unable to shake off the dude.

Psst Cork, Ireland

Humiliation Is Complete

An Irishman in Cork decided to see if he could fit into a toddlers high chair at a McDonalds. The answer was pretty much NO, after it took three cops to extract him from it.

 

Monster In The Lough

Feet out of the water, people. Two Irish college students out on Lough Foyle allegedly filmed a monster like creature. Oh alright, I can hear your collective sighing. Well, it could be a monster! Anywho, you can all be the judge, here’s the footage.

Starbucks Fail

Kiss my Blarney ass!!!

Um, that’s awkward Starbucks. When the coffee giant tweeted to its followers “show us what makes you proud to be British.”, for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, it might have been a good idea not to include the 2,000 followers from the Republic of Ireland. I’m just saying! So far Starbucks have tweeted two apologies.

Holy Communion

OMG. An Irish Catholic priest has some explaining to do after explicit gay porn images appeared on his slideshow presentation about school children’s first Confessions. Oh well, he should be grateful for small mercies that it was only the parents of St Mary’s Primary School who witnessed it. Evidently the offending photos were on a memory stick he used.Witnesses say he “bolted out of the room” when he saw what was up on the screen. The priest is of course denying he had any knowledge of the porn. Hmm, so would I!!!

Want sauce with that?

No Effin on Facebook

A woman from Effin in Ireland is having a problem getting Facebook to allow her to add her town to the “hometown” field. Well that’s Effin ridiculous! Ann Marie Kennedy says “I was born and raised in Effin and my family come from here. There’s a great community spirit. Our best known export is Effin cheese.” Hmm, despite that, no Effin people have been able to add the town onto Facebook. Sheez, well what hope does the Austrian town of Fucking have then?

Gramps Spontaneously Combusts

The coroner investigating the death of Michael Faherty (73), of Ballybane, Ireland, has declared it spontaneous combustion. Despite Mr Faherty found lying on his back  burned to a cinder next to an open fireplace, forensic experts have ruled out that  fire was the cause. The pensioner seems to have simply burst into flames leaving only minor damage to the area just beneath him and on the ceiling just above him.

Psst Hmm, maybe he got hit by a piece of space junk?

Patron Saint of What?

Hands up who’s heard of St Vitalis of Assisi? No? No one? Well, evidently he’s the patron saint of genital diseases. And guess what loons? His severed head (no, the big one not the small one) is up for auction in County Meath. Some Irish family had it housed in a Queen Anne case in their outhouse, though it had been displayed in their hall for some time. St Vitalis was born in Italy around the 1300’s and was a pretty naughty boy in his youth. OK, a very naughty boy. Anywho, at some stage he realized his wicked ways and got himself off to a monastery near Assisi where he lived as a hermit. He died in 1370 but following his death there were reports of numerous miracles on people with bladder and genital diseases so they made him a saint. Bless. No one has a friggin clue how his head  ended up in Ireland or in a Queen Anne box but now the owners want someone else to have it.

Psst The auction estimate is only £1,000. Come on people, it would be a talking piece!