It’s BACK

A few years back I posted about a fatberg  that was blocking the London sewers. Well, it is back and it is grosser and slimier and fatter than ever. It is so big they have brought in engineers to work out how to remove it. The 250m long 130 tonne of  fat is comprised of wet wipes, nappies, oil and condoms. It may take over a month to move the mammoth monster fatberg as it has set hard. Pity the fool that has to chisel away at that.

Good Job CNN

Awks to be CNN. During a gay pride parade the American news network repeatedly focused on a black flag amongst a sea of rainbow colours believing it was an ISIS flag. Turns out is was a black flag with crude drawings of…wait for it…sex toys. Whoopsie.

Patience is not always a virtue

Cops in Britain waited over three weeks for a guy to poop out the 44 bags of crack and heroin that he had placed up his butt. The drug dealer, who originally refused to eat , was eventually taken to hospital to have them retrieved by a doctor. Days up butt= 23 days, Street value = $2,000, Street cred = 0.

Psst: The dude got 23 months.

Ambulance Fail

Attention Londoners, when you ring the ambulance and say there is a “bird collapsed” can you be more specific? Because apparently, when the paramedics arrived at the scene and raced to the group of people gathered around the collapsed bird , they discovered it was a sick pigeon not a woman. The dispatcher had rightly assumed when the caller said “bird” he was using the slang for woman because an ambulance service is for humans, people!!!!

Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego Assange?

What is 6ft tall, pale, and wears a wig, red dress and high heel shoes? Julian Assange ?
Seems the whistleleaker is sick of his little cupboard in Ecuador’s embassy in London and is planning an exit strategy. The Wikileaker has a few serious health issues and has realised the Ecuadorians don’t have the adequate equipment to keep him alive. Checkmate. No word on when he plans to leave his compound but I’m guessing if you see an awkwardly walking pale woman in a red dress zip passed you, odds are , he’s left the building.

Anyone For A Kim Jong Un Cut?

Awks. A London hair salon got an unexpected visit by North Korean embassy officials after they heard the salon was using a poster featuring Kim Jong Un’s face. Seems they had a problem with the tag line “Bad Hair Day?” It was a little tongue and cheek go at the rumour North Korean men were only allowed to have one sort of haircut …the Kim Jong Un cut. Anywho the owner basically told them to skeddadle …hmm, well he said ‘listen this isn’t North Korea, this is England, we live in a democracy so I’m afraid you’re going to have to get out of my salon.’ Surprisingly, since the poster was put up not a single soul has requested a Kim Jung Un cut.

On Ya Bike

Well, well, isn’t London lucky. Seems the architect responsible for the “Gherkin” and the new Wembley stadium has a new plan for the city.Introducing SkyCycle. Yep, 135 miles of bicycle paths running above the existing railway lines. It’s cheaper than building new roads and it will cut off about 30 minutes of driving and waiting for train time.

Move Over You’re Hogging The Blankets

A man in London thought his girlfriend was getting a little frisky in bed when she started to nuzzle the back of his neck so he rolled over to give her a cuddle only to come face to face with a fox. No loons, the chicken killing kind. Evidently the vixen had slipped through the cat door and jumped into the warm bed with him.

Ding, Ding, Ding, Fatberg Right Ahead

Just like the iceberg took out the Titanic a “fatberg” nearly took out a suburb in London. The “fatberg”, aka an enormous clump of cooking fat and sanitary wipes, was found clogging the drain under a road in Kingston. The nasty messy was over 15 tonnes (size of a bus) and had reduced the sewer capacity to 5%. Left any longer the fatberg could have unleashed a torrent of raw sewage from the manholes, the likes the world has never seen.

Mom vs Terrorists

While London police took their own sweet time 20 minutes to arrive at the scene of a horrific machette and knife attack on a soldier outside the Woolwich Barracks today, a badass Cub Scout leader and mother of two confronted the attackers. Yep, this modern day hero jumped from a bus to try and shield the soldier and persuade the knife weilding attackers to put down their weapons. Mrs Loyau-Kennett, 48, from Cornwall said to the first terrorist “right now it is only you versus many people, you are going to lose, what would you like to do?” and he said “I would like to stay and fight.” She then went over to the second guy and said ‘well, what about you?’ Meanwhile the crowd that gathered watched in stunned silence , many capturing everything on their cellphone while  tick tock, tick tock, everyone waited for police to arrive.