Flee The Fleas

Might want to cancel all holidays to Madagascar . Seems they have got a bad case of BP … bubonic plague. At least 20 people from a village have died in the past week and the Red Cross are doing their best not to say “I told you so”  after giving out warnings in October. Seems the local prisons are breeding grounds for rodents and their piggy backing fleas. Yikes!

Now Do You Believe?

Guess what happens when you preach against having your children vaccinated? Hmm, a massive outbreak of one of the most contagious diseases in the world ,measles, that’s what. Oh and just to add insult to irony the outbreak started at a megachurch in Texas where they question the benefits of immunization.

Might Want To Cancel Travel Plans To Uganda

Just when you thought it was safe to go to Uganda, officials have announced another deadly outbreak of the Ebola virus. So far the contagious disease has claimed 14 lives. If you happen to be in the vicinity here’s what to do, avoid shaking hands, casual sex or do-it-yourself burials because it’s  transmitted by close contact and there is NO treatment.

Killer Cucumbers Spread Fear In Europe

Boo

Dear god people, you might want to arm yourself with  salad forks, the vegetables are revolting. Like out of some vegan horror film, Spanish cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuces are knocking people down like flies all over Europe. Armed with E.coli the vegetables have so far killed two people in Germany and attacked over 300 in Britain, Sweden, Denmark and the Netherlands. Authorities fear these nasty vegetables maybe targeting healthy eaters (especially vegetarians) and are hinting that disgruntled meat eaters might be behind it! The best way to determine if you’ve been E.coli-ed is to check your diarrhea for blood.I recommend you stay indoors, check your fridge for any suspicious looking food and order pizza until further notice.

Psst OK, OK, OK,  I made up the part about disgruntled meat eaters!!!

Don’t Pat The Raccoons

A little word of warning to Central Park joggers, layabouts, muggers and picnickers, avoid the raccoons if you can, they are rabid. Yep, seems there has been a slight outbreak… hmm 114 cases this year to be exact.So if you see one, run!!! AND if they happen to chase you, run friggin faster!

Friggin Frogs

My bad?

OMG, people with pet frogs listen up. A 31 state outbreak of the Typhimurium strain of salmonella has been linked to pet frogs. Yes, frogs I say. Of the 85 people vomiting and puking their guts out, nearly two thirds had been in contact with friggin fogs. Geez and it seems the culprit could be a African dwarf frog variant. Oh and it gets worse, one Utahn who won a frog at some friggin fair, traced the amphibian back to a breeder in California. Calm down, it ain’t the frog spreading the love, authorities believed it could be the tank water. Like that makes it  any better.

Psst Ladies I would forget kissing them until further notice!