Shawstank Redemption

What would you do to escape from prison? Hmm, well I’m guessing it wouldn’t involve crawling through a communal toilet. Unfortunately for the Brazilian prisoner who slid through excrement and urine to make his great escape, he was caught and thrown back in his cell still caked in it. Oh the humanity.

Shawshank Fail

Oh bless, a murderer attempted to escape from one of Australia’s maximum security prisons by burrowing a tunnel . He was 100m from freedom when he was sprung. Come on man, you need to lift your game. The dudes in the US managed to Shawshank….yeah sure, one got shot dead and the other now leaks like a sieve but at least they are known as the dudes who escaped. What you need is a disgruntled female prison wa…. oh never mind.

Tattoo Fail

Didn’t mean to laugh but a silly billy prisoner who decided to carve a tattoo of 666 on his forehead forgot he was doing it in a mirror so of course the numbers are backward. His forehead now features three upside down 9s. Awks.

Pull Another One

A Swiss prisoner who had the almighiest of toothaches, but was denied treatment, escaped from  a minimum security facility to see his dentist. Once his tooth was pulled he contacted police and they returned him to his cell. He only got an additional day added to his original one month sentence.

Shawfat Redemption

The moral of this story is if you plan a jail break make sure your belly can fit through the hole. Awkward for a one Brazilian prisoner who found himself wedged in a concrete wall after his much skinnier accomplice slipped through and took off. While prison officers merrily took snaps firefighters had to use sledgehammers to free him.

Jumbo Jumpsuit Dilemma

A New York jail is being sued for a million bucks by a man who was forced to wear the same set of clothes in jail for 8 months. OK, Elias Diaz weighed 400lbs (181kgs) and there just wasn’t no jumbo jumpsuit big enough to fit his girth but he claims there was a friggin tailor on staff. To add insult to injury, Diaz had to wash his clothes in the shower. Why? Surely they had a laundry? Anywho, he’s making a bigger stink now!

eFelony

Have I got a man for you, desperate loons. He’s got a beautiful smile, easy going, good sense of humour and will do anything for love. Only one catch, OK, several, he’s behind bars for manslaughter and has an extensive criminal past. Which is kinda scary, I agree. But besides that, he’s got a “Guys At Barwon Prison That Want Girls To Write To Them” page on Facebook and he’s looking for love. Might want to give him a poke?

Prisoner Escapes in His Undies

Wishful thinking

Attention loons in Hiroshima, be on the look out for a prison escapee. He should be easy to spot, he is wearing only white undies. This is Japan’s first jailbreak in more than 20 years and they are really pissed. Li Guolin stripped off in the prison yard before using builders scaffolding to scale the 5m perimeter fence. A security guard said Li “fell on his rear and turned over. Then he ran off at a steady trot.” Li is serving 23 years for attempted murder. Sheez, you’d be unlucky to get half of that for murder in Oz. Authorities have allocated 800 police officers to find the dude in the white undies. Good luck with that.

Move Over Friztl, We Have a New Dungeon Master

Brazilian man Joao Batista Groppo had allegedly been keeping his wife, Sebastiana, locked up in a cellar for 16 years. She was discovered lying starkers in a corner of the cellar with just a blanket after police received a tip-off. Hmm, 16 years and they finally get a tip-off? The room was evidently covered in feces and crawling with roaches. Groppo, who had been married to Sebastiana for 40 years, told police she was mentally ill. Alrighty then, so that would explain the girlfriend (Maria Aparecida Furquim) he had living upstairs. Both Groppo and Furquim have been charged with illegal imprisonment.

Psst So for 16 years who did the dishes?

What Justice?

OMG, you are better off to be a criminal in Australia, not only are the sentences pathetic but you can also spend your time in prison suing the state for negligence and receiving a shit load of compo. Alan Brown, who has never had a driver’s license,  has had more than 100 convictions for drink driving, has killed two people in separate accidents and is currently serving 14 years for the death of his latest victim, Margaret Loveday. In 2007 a Loddon Prison garden shed roller door accidentally closed on him so he sued the State of Victoria for negligence and won, claiming he not only suffered a painful injury but also suffered psychological damaged to boot. Guess how much he was awarded? $120,000. Hmm, I wonder how much the victims of his crimes received?