Putin Puts NASA in a Spin

Forget Ukraine, seems Putin wants the universe. Nervous observers fear a new Russian satellite, which is behaving strangely, might be designed to attack or jam other satellites. Named Kosmos 2499 by the Russians, the satellite is sending out strange signals and is shifting orbits in a very precise series of moves. The US have now placed it on their suspicious objects list, which means absolutely nothing.

Everybody Duck, Space Junk Heading Our Way

Stack hats at the ready Loons, a defunct Russian satellite is going to be crashing to earth today and experts haven’t a clue where it is going to kaboom.The Russians have released the standard pre crash warning blah blahs about the unlikely chance of getting hit by space junk fragments because most of the planet is covered in water. Just let it be known the Loon warned you.

Sexiest Man In The World Blasts Off

Guess who’s been scaring the beejeezus out of the world’s superpowers? That would be the dastardly sexy Kim Jong Um. Seems he’s finally managed to get a rocket into orbit which has been no mean feat for this North Korean demi-god. It’s taken 15 years and 5 goes to get something up but he has. Yay him. Now all he has to do is lasso the moon and he’s set.

Incoming Toxic Satellite

Hey loons, remember me talking about that Russian satellite Phobos-Grunt? You know , the one expected to crash to earth anytime soon! Well, about that, seems the friggin thing is full of seriously toxic fuel making it one of the most toxic falling satellites ever. Oh and there is even more great news. The friggin thing could crash Down Under. Assume the crash position Aussie loons and don those hard hats until further notice.

House Gets Free Satellite On Roof

Hey loons, guess where a Russian satellite has crashed? Into the roof of a house in Cosmonaut Street in central Siberia, that’s where. The irony police are on their way! Yep, the Meridan communications satellite failed to launch properly and a chunk of it came a crashing down onto an unsuspecting village and right on to a street named in honor of the Russian spacemen.

Keep One Eye Open

That defunct German satellite is hurtling to earth as we speak. It should be here within hours so keep your eyes peeled loons. There should be about 30 pieces coming at you at about 450kms (280miles) an hour. But as you were Aussies, Europeans and Africans, it’s not expected to hit us.  Phew!

Psst Hey Harold Camping, you  might want to stay indoors!

Another Satellite Expected To Crash Land Back Down To Earth

What are the friggin odds?

Sorry Loons, you will have to take the brace position one more time as another satellite is about to crash land back to earth. This time its a German ROSAT weighing about 3 tons. The thing’s been orbiting the earth since 1990 but officials lost communication with it in 1999. The German Aerospace Centre (DLR) predict chunks will crash to earth at the end of October or early November. I’m just hoping experts knocked on wood before they declared “in the more than 50-years of space history not a single person has been harmed by pieces of falling satellites”.  Hmm, yeah, like how many have crashed landed back to earth in that time? 3?

Is Everyone OK?

Just heard that the satellite has crash landed on Earth but NASA don’t know friggin where!!! Hope everyone is OK.

Incoming Dead Satellite

Sorry I didn't believe you Loon!!!!

Incoming space junk should be heading this way very shortly. Might want to wear a helmet over the weekend. I’m just saying! Half a ton of satellite could damn hurt! Oh and if you thought you were safe in the US , think again. NASA have announced the dead satellite isn’t hurtling to Earth as fast as they thought and could now hit the States. Hmm, might want to get Erin Brockovich’s phone number handy.

Yeah, About That Satellite Crashing To Earth

OK loons, about this satellite that is expected to plunge to Earth anytime soon, NASA now say we might have to dodge up to 26 pieces!!!! Yep, you heard me, 26 chunks are likely to survive re-entry and where they land no one friggin knows. Hmm, well that dramatically increases the odds of getting whacked on the head, now doesn’t it?  Oh but don’t bother ringing NASA, they are wiping their hands of the whole thing, saying even if they tracked it from  re-entry they couldn’t predict where or who the hell the pieces  were going to hit. The thing is spinning out of control. All they know is the majority of the satellite will melt and burn but about half a ton is coming to get us on Thursday, Friday, Saturday soon.