Big Ol Nasty Party

What’s worse than having your house ransacked? Coming home to find the burglar’s on the couch having sex. Sheez, get a room. In the unfortunate owner’s words… “It’s like they just had a big ol’ nasty party.’ Worse still, while the owner was a way for a few days the burglar couple were seen flogging her jewellery. She has since set up a GoFundMe page which has managed to raise $10.

PSST: I hope she sold the couch.

Sex Cancelled Due To Cannibalism Fears

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How did I miss this Craig?
OMG, poor Kong saved himself a bucket load of embarrassment after the Seattle Aquarium cancelled his Valentine’s Day mating session in front of visitors. Yes, every year on Valentine’s Day people can view octopus sex. Yep, you heard me, octopus sex. Tentacles thrashing everywhere!!!! But unfortunately for Kong, he was too big for the lovely lady octopuses and staff  feared Kong might eat them, as he is more than double their size. However, there was relief all around as  Kong lived to see another day…. evidently an octopus dies soon after sex. Go Kong!!!!

Stiff Luck

Oh dear, big time awks for the Chinese prostitute whose elderly customer died while they were having sex. Seems she got stuck on his….oh never mind. They both got wheeled out on a hospital stretcher presumably to get it removed. Good luck with that. What a dinner party tale she will have to tell.

Domestikator Hotel

Can you spot the issue?

Come on loons, look closely. The German hotel looks like a couple having sex right?

or is it a couple?

Anywho, the building is part of the annual Ruhrtriennale Festival in Bochum, Germany and is operating as a hotel for VIP guests.

Monica Lewinsky You Are Not Alone

Attention office workers. If you decide to have sex at work (after dark) make sure the lights are off and there isn’t a pub full of Kiwis drinking across the road who can see you ….just saying. Oh and yes ,they did record every sordid detail on their smart phones and then posted them all over Facebook, Twitter and Reddit. The married senior insurance manager and the young female office junior were unaware they were being cheered on from across the street by over 50 bar patrons. One witness said  ‘To be honest, after watching them f*** for a good half hour, people started to get bored and drift off back to the dancefloor.’

It wasn’t long before news travelled back to the missus (and the world) that her hubby had been well, you know …. No word on the fate of the two love rats.

Parents Explaining Sex To Their Kids

Could it be more awkward …

Cruise Ships Are A Rocking

Ever wondered why so many old people are going on cruises? Well, it seems sex is rife on the cruise liners. So much so that sexually transmitted disease amongst the senior cits is on the rise. Ewh. Now the UK government is issuing warnings to the blue rinse brigade to make sure they take condoms with them on their cruises. Evidently syphilis has increased by 52% in people over 65.

Cash Deposit

OK, one more time men, no, you can’t have sex with an inanimate object (other than your wife). OK, can someone please pass this on to the dude who tried having sex with an ATM … oh and the picnic table… at the Boro Bar and Grill, because lets face it , who wants to have “nude from the waist down, walking around the bar, thrusting his hips in the air” on their police report…just saying.

Kinky Banned For World Cup Players

On a bright note, the Brazilian World Cup coach has given the thumbs up for the players to have sex before matches as long as it doesn’t involve “acrobatic” maneuvers.  He  told them “normally, normal sexual intercourses are made in a balanced way, but there are certain forms, certain ways and others who do acrobatics. And that, no.”  Hmm, good to know.

Sheep Are Just So Easy

I’m so glad I wasn’t a juror at this bestiality trial. The lot of them were told off by the judge for laughing. Evidently, the chuckles came after the man confessed he had sex with a sheep after a cow rejected his advances.

Want sauce with that?