Incoming Christmas Hams

We kill you

The definition of awkward …when the United States Air Force parachutes 750 ornately decorated honey-glazed Christmas hams into assorted Pashtun tribes in an attempt to win the “hearts and minds” of the Taliban. Hmm, I might change that from awkward to epic fail as the Taliban reactions was to increase its suicide bombings. Lucky they didn’t drop crates of Budweiser as well !!!

Psst Seriously? I suspect this is a hoax story.

Want sauce with that?

Want To Know Who Is On The Taliban’s Mailing List?

When it comes to modern technology the Taliban pretty much suck. Qari Yousuf Ahmedi, a spokesman for the terrorist group, was preparing a routine press release when instead of clicking “bcc” he clicked “cc” sending all the hidden names and email addresses to everyone on the list (including journalists and warlords).

Move Over Taliban There Are New Terrorists On The Block

If you thought the Taliban were bad you ain’t seen nothing yet…introducing the Mulla Dadullah Front. These nasty bastards are meaner and more radical than their sissy counterparts, the Taliban. In fact the Taliban are scared of them. The Mulla’s are currently waging a terror campaign of their own in Afghanistan and are taking no prisoners (they prefer assassinations). They claim to be a suicide front that will stop at nothing to destroy peace between Afghanistan and the U.S. Oh boy, does it never end?

Psst Seriously, Mulla Dadullah? Say that with out giggling!!!!

Oh My, Don’t You Look Pretty?

Let me just say there is nothing  less appealing than a Taliban militant dressed in women’s clothing (sorry Mega, but there’s not) , especially when they don’t shave . Hmm, but that’s what those little friggin terrorists are resorting to, to get closer to Allied forces. OMG, that’s so embarrassing. There definitely won’t to be 72 virgins waiting for YOU!!!

Want to see one pretty in pink?

Not The Best Choice of Tourist Destination

Help

OK, here’s the thing Toronto man, you don’t go holidaying in Afghanistan while the US is still at war with the Taliban, because that’s a friggin kidnapping right there! Colin Rutherford has been held hostage by the Taliban since 2010 and the family are now trying to tee up a meeting with his captors via email “so we can work something out.” Hmm, I’m not sure they are the negotiating type? Anywho, seems the Canadian government have exhausted all avenues (seriously?). Colin went for a two week sight seeing vacation and 14 months later he is still there. Come on, can’t someone help? Oh and don’t look at me, I think I still have a few fatwas out on me!

The Best Of The Latest Wikileaks

Yeah, yeah we all know that Wikileaks has got it’s hands on a massive stash of  classified US military reports but I haven’t got friggin time to read all  90,000 documents.  So here’s a  quick summary of what you need to know or not , depending on your care factor…..

Osama bin Laden is dead and is believed to have died in a Peshwar hospital.

NATO has a “black” unit of special forces called Task Force 373. Their role to kaboom senior Taliban and al-Qaeda leaders without any attempt to capture them.

The Inter-Service Intelligence (ISI) aka Pakistan’s intelligence service paid the Taliban $15,000 – 30,000 to kill Indian contractors in Afghanistan. Oh and that attack on the Indian embassy was carried out on ISI’s orders.

Kim Jong Il, that little shit, sold chemical weapons to a bin Laden’s financial advisor in 2005. Hmm, and we know how good his rockets are!

The US pays Pakistan $1 billion a year, yes you heard me $1 billion for its aid. However  Pakistan then conversed with the Taliban to organize militant groups to attack US soldiers.

Oh and yes there are way more civilian casualties than the  US military let on.

Man of Steel

A big shout out to British soldier Lance Corporal Luke Reeson who was shot in the face by the Taliban but simply spat out the bullet and walked 2 miles for medical help. The bullet evidently bounced off his body armor went up his lower cheek (breaking his jaw) before ending up in his mouth. Reeson is expected to make a full recovery.

Blast Resistant Undies

OK, here’s the thing soldiers, thanks to the friggin Taliban getting sneakier and basically better at producing roadside bombs, BCB International have designed blast resistant undies. Yes sirree, the “blast boxers” are designed to protect your private parts from flying shrapnel.

Guess What We Found In Afghanistan

Hmm

OK, color me cynical but I find it interesting that while a war is raging in Afghanistan, a US team of Pentagon officials and U.S. geologists have been casing the joint for vast mineral deposits. According to officials, over a trillion dollars of untapped minerals including lithium, iron, copper, cobalt and gold have been discovered in the impoverish country. Hmm, now they are even boasting Afghanistan could become the “Saudi Arabia of lithium,” Those friggin Taliban are as good as dead now!!!!

Psst Hey, here’s an idea, why don’t ya drill for oil too!!!

Surgeons Risk Life To Remove Live Bullet

You first. No, you first. No, you first!

All hail the US army surgeons who risked their lives to remove a live bullet from a soldier’s head. The doctors donned on body armor during the 5 hour operation to avoid being blown to smithereens. All non essential staff were evacuated from the Bagram Air Field Base as the team worked slowly and friggin carefully to remove the Taliban bullet which contained 2 ounces of high explosives, enough to blow them all to kingdom come. The unnamed man from the Afghan National Army, who was wounded during a bomb blast, is expected to survive. Heroes.