Off To A Good Start In Life

Naw, officials in Washington have decided not to fine a toddler for littering. Bless. Seems the 2 year old and her mom got slapped with a $75 citation after unopened letters with their names on it were found in an alley. After a little social media ridicule the citations were dropped.

Toddler 1, Deadly Snake 0

In a twist of irony and pure luck a 1 year old Brazilian snowflake has saved himself by chomping on the head of a venomous snake. The little snake charmer was discovered with blood all over his face and hands with the dead pit viper still clenched in his jaws. While the snake had been killed at its own game, the father had quite a job getting his son to let go of his prey.

PSST There is some debate as to whether the snake was really a pit viper or simply a non-venomous water snake. I’m going with viper because otherwise the story is simply gross and disgusting.

How To Confuse a Toddler

Plonk him between twins

 

Man Slaps Toddler On Plane

ouch!

I know screaming kids on  planes are worse than snakes but mister there is no need to tell the mother of a toddler to  “shut that ni**er baby up,” and then slap the kid. Just saying. Evidently the 19 month old let rip (which on occasions I have been known to do – ears, my goddam ears) as the plane began its decent to Atlanta. The man seated next to the mother began getting agitated by the crying ,flew into a racist rant and then leaned across and slapped him with an open hand. Yep, that’s an assault charge right there. Hmm and here I thought they stopped allowing nuts on planes.

Psst Lucky the toddler wasn’t kicking the back of his chair or it might have been a blood bath.

On the Streets of Philadelphia

OK, here’s the thing mother of a two year old, if your tyke walks up to a light post, pulls down his pants and pees, that’s  a fine. Hmm, no, just because the nearest bathroom was closed to the public is no excuse, that will be 50 bucks thanks. One more time, no peeing in public.

Three Year Old Accomplice

I need a lawyer!

OK, sweetie, honey, darl, taking your 3 year old with you to hold up a bank is kinda stupid, especially when he won’t stay in the friggin getaway minivan.Yep, Cherilyn Lopez had left the tyke in the car while she toddled off to do her business but he was having none of that. He got out and walked into the bank just in time to join his mom in the robbery. She later dropped him off at daycare before heading off to buy some prescription pills. That’s when the cops spotted the mini-van.

Want sauce with that?

Nice Catch

Look? Up in the air. It’s a bird? It’s a plane? No, it’s a falling toddler. Oh dear, two year old Niu Niu is one very lucky girl after she dangled from a 10 storey window ledge before plummeting to the ground. Fortunately Wu Juping  saw the incident unfold and did what any superhero would do, she kicked off her high heels and ran to catch the falling child. Despite successfully catching Niu Niu remains in hospital with suspected internal injuring and Juping is down the corridor with a broken her arm.

Hey Mommy, Look At My Cute Necklace

An unfortunate little snowflake had to have the big Burbank firemen hacksaw a toilet seat off her cute little head. No word yet on how the 3 year old got her noggin stuck in the child sized toilet seat but I hope her parents got photos so they can whip them out on her 21st birthday! Hmm or better yet, on Facebook!

There Goes The Neighborhood

My Bad?

What’s worse than a 3 year old with a blow torch? Hmm, just about nothing! Police are investigating the trail of destruction left by a toddler  allegedly  wielding a handheld blowtorch. The little snowflake,wearing  only a tee, was reportedly seen walking down Route 388 in Shenango with his trusty blowtorch. When the smoke settled he had set fire to his garage,  burned a neighbor’s porch swing, a knob on a septic tank, a broom , a sliding door and singed a gas grill. When the police eventually found the little flame thrower and took him home nobody answered the door. Evidently mom was asleep having worked a night shift. Bless!

Duct Taping Parent Gets Jail

OK,  duct taping a snowflake to the wall is one thing but then  duct taping his favorite sippy cup so it is just out of reach is just plain mean. Mother Jayla Hamm and boyfriend Corde Honea were both jailed after they taped the 22 month old kid to a wall. Both claim they  were high on drugs at the time.

Psst The mom will get to keep her child but under state supervision.