Off To A Good Start In Life

Naw, officials in Washington have decided not to fine a toddler for littering. Bless. Seems the 2 year old and her mom got slapped with a $75 citation after unopened letters with their names on it were found in an alley. After a little social media ridicule the citations were dropped.

Chip Off The Old Block

Hmm, you can scratch that one off your bucketlist mister. A guy in Washington has survived going through a wood chipper. Yes, it was on. He sustained a broken pelvis, shattered ankle, bruised liver, broken leg and a deep, body-length cut but he survived.

Banana Peel Fail

A guy who tried to sue the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority after he slipped and fell on a banana peel (hurting his back) has been busted after security footage showed him setting up the fall. Yep, footage revealed  him dropping the peel before the big fake slipperoo. Now the dude is facing charges of second degree fraud.

Dognabbit

You know what I hate? When your dog comes home with a human leg in its mouth. I really friggin hate that! The poor 93 year old man from Washington couldn’t believe his eyes when his pooch Liberty came bounding home with his latest find, a human leg. In a state of panic he took the leg and buried it in the backyard because  “I didn’t want to have to go to the pen for something I didn’t do.” When he told his daughter she rang police and well, they brought in sniffer dogs to locate the rest of the body.

A Friggin Waving Bear

Seriously, do bears shit wave in the woods park?

Butt Slasher On The Loose

Hold onto your bum cheeks woman of Washington, you have a butt slasher in your midst. So far the man has targeted 9 woman, creeping up on them and slashing their rear ends with a box cutter. Fortunately none of the woman have received  life threatening injuries …. hmm just the abject humiliation of having their asses exposed to the elements, that’s all. The slasher is described as a 5ft6″ Latino.

Customer Service Fail

Sheez, when three of Marie Callender’s Washington restaurants were notified by management that they were bankrupt, staff didn’t muck around with formalities, they immediately closed the doors despite customers still eating. Yep,  people who were still munching away on their pies on Sunday afternoon were suddenly told to get up and leave. A group of 25 who were celebrating a birthday were also forced to vacate. A spokesperson for the chain said “It is a well thought-out but a very difficult decision.”

Want sauce with that?

Bigfoot Sighting Alert

Oh for crying out loud people, can someone get a decent friggin shot of Bigfoot, I’m sick of squinting!!! The latest footage was taken by a group of very inattentive hikers who only realized they had  been walking a few feet away from something really friggin creepy when they later downloaded it onto a computer. What do you think loons, Bigfoot or some redneck taking a shortcut home? Um, the footage was taken in Spokane, Washington, which could explain a lot!

Psst Skeptics claim the big slapping sound one of the hikers makes just before Bigfoot appears was intended to cue the “beast”.

Rain City Superhero Movement

Attention all bad guys in Lynnwood, Washington, be prepared to have your ass kicked by Phoenix, Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88 and Penelope. The gang of 9 superheroes who call themselves ‘Rain City Superhero Movement’ have taken to the streets to help police fight crime. Oh and if you think they are just suffering Batman envy,  these dudes all have either military or martial arts training. Hmm, except maybe for Phoenix’s glamorous female sidekick who drives him around in a KIA but never gets out of the car (possibly his mom). Phoenix carries around mace, tear gas, a taser, bulletproof vest and trauma plating on his arms and legs. Since the superheroes began their crusade 9 months ago they have been shot at, stabbed and laughed at.

Psst Oh and just a word of warning, if you come across Captain Ozone or Knight Owl, ignore them, they aren’t part of the Superhero Movement but just some random superheroes.

Gone Postal

Could there  be anything worse than an ex postal worker with a samurai sword? Sheez, I don’t know,  might want to ask the poor deli clerk who was confronted by the angry katan-style samurai sword wielding Michael Burr. The deli clerk was just minding his own beeswax when the former postal worker came in and began swinging the sword around.  Burr eventually fled the scene and ran back home where a five hour standoff with the Washington SWAT team ensued. The drama ended when a canister of tear gas was shot through his window. Burr had recently been suspended from his US postal Service job.